> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.co.school/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # The way we show up - URL: https://www.co.school/notes/the-way-we-show-up/ - Published: 2020-01-21T16:00:00.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-13T20:34:19.000Z - Description: Why leading change starts with noticing our own reflexes: three spectrums for how we speak, engage and respond. - Author: Kevan Gilbert - Tags: Notes, Coaching & education, #archive *Originally published on Domain7\. Lightly revised for Co.school.* If you had unlimited time and budget, what change would you create in your organization? That's the question I asked participants at a workshop. In the suddenly quiet room, 30 leaders from a wide range of sectors took a minute (three, actually) to reflect and scribble down their visions. You can do the same right now if you like. Grab a pen, or open a blank note, and write down a few things. What do you want to see changed, or done differently, at your work? (Go on, I'll wait.) Welcome back. Once everyone's ideas were on paper, I made an announcement. My tone shifted. No longer warm and welcoming, I spoke declaratively, a little intensely, a little more loudly. We would be choosing one idea, and only one, to workshop as a group. The winner would get the benefit of the room's collective intelligence for the next two hours. And the way we'd decide? A pitch contest, starting right now, going table by table. Whoever could best articulate their idea and persuade the room would win. But first, I said, there was one more instruction. One last, critical piece of information. I stayed silent until every person was paying close attention. Then I said: "There is no pitch contest. This has been a trick." The energy in the room changed completely. During the announcement you could see the spike in tension: shoulders up, quick glances around, a few heads shaking. When I called it off, there was laughter, pens dropped, shoulders relaxed. Some confusion. Then I asked: "What just happened? What was going on in your body during that announcement?" A few people said they'd been excited. They were ready to persuade, to dominate, to win. One person said, "I was asking myself, 'Which emotional costume do I need to wear in order to win here?'" Others said they'd given up before it started. They didn't feel passionate enough about their idea, or skilled enough at persuasion. Then I shared this diagram with my almost-contestants. ![Three vertical spectrums. How I speak: asserting to holding space. How I engage: telling and selling to listening. How I respond: reacting to pausing. Above all three, going too far looks like dominance, aggression and over-reaction; below, it looks like withdrawing, collapsing and timidity.](https://storage.ghost.io/c/78/bc/78bcdb42-e603-41c4-9fc8-2411afdffe5a/content/images/2026/10/the-way-we-show-up.png) Three spectrums for the way we show up to change. I asked people where they went during my declaration. Did they rise to assertion, ready to push their idea through? Did they step back and sense something else was going on? Did they react, or pause? ## Change starts with us We have the same full-body, emotional reaction to change initiatives in the organizations where we work. We reflexively bring a certain energy, a preferred way of communicating, or a certain internal response, before we've even noticed it's happening. And that has a real impact on whether change succeeds. When we take on change in our organizations, we tend to fixate on the idea itself: is it a good idea? Or we fixate on other people, who become blockers, or at least factors, in getting change adopted. But what about us? What role do we play as would-be changemakers? > Are we aware of the tools we use, the attitudes we bring and the reactions we have, and the influence they have on whether change happens? The lines in the diagram are spectrums. Being aware of the poles at either end helps us see our choices more clearly, instead of defaulting to well-worn habits. How do I want to show up here? What's most needed? ## Three spectrums **How I speak.** There are times when assertion serves us well. The ability to speak directly, to insist, to compel: that kind of clarity can be a gift. And yet there are many moments when we need to hold space for others to find their words or bring their contribution forward. Holding space is often harder to practise in organizations, and it's essential to a healthy culture. **How I engage.** Selling and telling is a critical skill in many roles. Persuasion inspires and activates; when we become passionate advocates for a cause, people often rise to the call. And yet organizations are increasingly leaning into listening practices that surface insights we'd miss in a rush to certainty. Listen first, and the selling and telling that comes later is far more strategic. **How I respond.** Our reflexes can serve us well. "Reactive" sounds negative, but reacting from the gut moves us quickly toward opportunities our intuition senses. Speed is an advantage. And yet sometimes deliberately pausing is what matters most. Taking a breath before acting helps us get past our own biases and assumptions and see the situation in a new light. ## Going too far Each pole can take us too far. At the top, we tip into dominance, aggression and over-reaction. At the bottom, we slide into withdrawal: retreating, collapsing in on ourselves, a timidity and self-isolation that serves no one, not even ourselves. Borrowing from the Birkman assessment, we don't stay in one spot on this map. There are three locations worth knowing: - **Our default:** our usual behaviour, where we start from. - **Our stress reaction:** where we go when our needs aren't being met. - **Our needs:** where on this map our needs are best met. That's sometimes different from both our default and our stress reaction. What helps you show up well? When we become aware of the pressures on us, and of where we tend to travel along these lines, we get more effective in conversations about change. We usually pour our energy into the change idea, or the people blocking us, or the dynamics of the organization. What we overlook is our own role. Our attitudes and mindsets, the way we show up, can change the story we tell about change.